Stop Living in the Grey Matter


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What is the “grey matter?”

It’s the unknown area between unapologetic loyalty and minimal devotion. It’s the uncategorized zone between titles and full-blown situationships. It’s the safe haven for the indolent and relationally lethargic. It’s a playground for the wickedly deceitful and emotionally scarred. Do you live in the grey matter? Do you play house with a person knowing that a full commitment isn’t on the horizon? Do you constantly forgive that family member because they’re family instead of accepting that their wrong-doings are consistent and stifling to you personally? Do you continue to ride for friends who wouldn’t spare $20.00 if you needed it?

You’re living in the grey matter. You’re allowing yourself to subsist in a place where you don’t truly know where you stand with a person and you deserve better than that. You can live in the grey matter in various sectors of relationships, let’s talk about it. 

Personal Relationships

Relationships are the forefather’s of grey matter. I’ve been in the grey matter a time or two because I was willing to remain titleless and confused out of a need to somewhat belong to another person. That was the old me. Now, I’d rather be alone than in the grey matter with a person who treats me like I don’t matter. If you’re not already there, you need to get to that place. Dating is one thing but adopting a full-on commitment and responsibility for a person that has given you no indication that they will do the same is mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally reckless. Don’t let a person place you in the question mark box. Don’t let a person keep you around out of convenience over commitment. 

One more time for those in the back.

Don’t let a person keep you around out of convenience over commitment. 

Put your foot down, demand the same respect, loyalty and adulation that you give them. We live in a generation that loves doing things backwards and out of order but don’t fall in love, have children, shack-up and share bills before asking, “What are we?” Truth is, you shouldn’t have to ask, it should be blatantly apparent. A person that needs you will make their desires known versus a person that merely wants you. 

Living in the grey matter can lead to you getting your heart broken by a person who never claimed it in the first place. Be bold. State your desires. Make sure you both are in the same book and headed towards the same page. Grey is a drab color, you deserve a bright, colorful and fulfilling relationship – don’t settle for anything less.   


Friendships can subsist in the grey matter as well. Sometimes we’ve been friends with a person for so long that we accept their shortcomings and condone them but we shouldn’t. Don’t let the history of the friendship build the endurance for its current state. How would you grade your friendship? Anything below a B- means that a conversation needs to be had. If you’re reliable, loyal, consistent, forgiving and selfless but your friend isn’t – drop them – you’ve outgrown them.

Good friends are priceless but bad friends can cost you more than you’re willing to part with. Friendship grey matter defers from a personal relationship in that the basis of the friendship should be obvious, we’re friends, but if one friend is a better friend than the other the relationship lacks balance. An imbalance in any of your relationships with eventually lead to its demise. Be the kind of friend that you need, not the kind of friend you want. Furthermore, there are levels to friendships, besties, brothers, sisters, acquaintances, co-workers etc. and each one requires a different level of commitment. Don’t give out bestie loyalty to an acquaintance. Know your place in your friends life and reciprocate whatever energy is given.

Family Ties

Family ties are the most difficult of the three to manage but the most inevitable as well. Just because you share blood with a person doesn’t mean that their good for you, period. I have cut off family members in pursuit of my own personal, mental and emotional wellbeing, not forever but for the time necessary. My peace is important. Your peace is important. 

Don’t let a family member shift your inner tranquility because you share a last name.

Don’t be overtly loyal to family members that don’t deserve it. Some of you will disagree and that’s fine but people in your family that are not good for you, don’t deserve you. Moreover, you don’t deserve to live in the grey matter with them because of those familial ties. If you would bend over backwards for them but they won’t even lean forward for you – that’s the grey matter, that’s the uneven playing field. Cleanse yourself from those in your family that cause more strife than joy. Be grown, have a conversation with them but if you see no change, don’t stick around in the bleachers cheering them on when they have no intentions of evolving into a better person.

I hope you now understand what it means to live in the grey matter and I pray you remove yourself from those toxic relationships. You’re worth better and you deserve better, now go do better.

If you found this article helpful, insightful or just plain old necessary please share and repost – it’s free and I’d gladly appreciate it. Thank you in advance.

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